As far as modern sitcoms go, The Office ranks up there as one of the funniest. Based on the English version of the same name created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, the American remake is a hilarious mockumentary about a group of employees at the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, Inc. Led by their bumbling leader Michael Scott (Steve Carell), who always manages to put his foot in it, resulting in some of the best Office quotes, the gang at Dunder Mifflin go through the day to day grind of working in an office, something most of us can relate too.
Spanning nine seasons, The Office struggled for ratings during its first season in 2005, but from the second season onwards it became a huge hit for NBC. The interactions between the characters and the situations they often found themselves in resulted in many hilarious episodes.
Along with Carell, the core cast of the show included John Krasinski as Jim Halpert, Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schurute, Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesly, B. J. Novak as Ryan Howard, Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor, Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson, Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone, Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer, Angela Kinsey as Angela Martin, Oscar Nunez as Oscar Martinez, Phyllis Smith as Phyllis Lapin-Vance, Paul Lieberstein as Toby Flenderson, and Creed Bratton as himself.
As well as creating some amazing television moments, turning Carell and Krasinski into stars, and winning five Emmy Awards, the show also gave fans some of the best lines in comedy TV history. Every episode had at least one zinger, with many becoming cultural touchstones people still use today in everyday conversations. To show how funny the series is, we’ve watched all nine seasons (that’s four days, one hour, and 30 minutes worth of television people!) to bring you the best quotes from The Office.
1. “I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.” – Michael Scott
2. “I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
3. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.” – Dwight Schrute
4. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” – Michael Scott
5. “I’m such a perfectionist that I’d kinda rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.” – Ryan Howard
6. “Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.” – Jim Halpert
7. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” – Kelly Kapoor
8. “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.” – Angela Martin
9. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hotdogs.” – Kevin Malone
10. “Everything I have I owe to this job… This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” – Jim Halpert
11. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
12. “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute
13. “I wonder what people like about me? Probably my jugs.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
14. “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.” – Michael Scott
15. “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” – Dwight Schrute
16. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone
17. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” – Dwight Schrute
18. “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” – Michael Scott
19. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.” – Stanley Hudson
20. “No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs… Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?” – Michael Scott
21. “I am faster than 80 percent of all snakes.” – Dwight Schrute
22. “Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself.” – Kelly Kapoor
23. “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” – Michael Scott
24. “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
25. “I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it… Nike.” – Michael Scott
26. “I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.” – Creed Bratton
27. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.” – Dwight Schrute
28. “One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.” – Jim Halpert
29. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” – Pam Beesly
30. “The eyes are the groin of the face.” – Dwight Schrute
31. “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” – Andy Bernard
32. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” – Michael Scott
33. “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.” – Creed Bratton
34. “Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” – Andy Bernard
35. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
36. “I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.” – Pam Beesly
37. “Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.” – Jim Halpert
38. “I saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did…” – Michael Scott
39. “I consider myself a good person, but I’m gonna try to make him cry.” – Oscar Martinez
40. “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott
41. “Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.” – Pam Beesley
42. “You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.” – Michael Scott
43. “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” – Jim Halpert
44. “In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.” – Dwight Schrute
45. “I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.” – Ryan Howard
46. “People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.” – Dwight Schrute
47. “Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK.” – Michael Scott
48. “’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’” – Dwight Schrute
49. “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.” – Kevin Malone
50. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me… No, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I’m trying to make.” – Michael Scott
51. “Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy?” – Creed Bratton
52. “Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.” – Dwight Schrute
53. “This is a dream that I’ve had…since lunch…and I’m not giving it up now.” – Michael Scott
54. “I am fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” – Dwight Schrute
55. “Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight.” – Meredith Palmer
56. “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.” – Michael Scott
57. “There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.” – Robert California
58. “I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.” – Michael Scott
59. “I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.” – Kevin Malone
60. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott
61. “My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.” – Andy Bernard
62. “You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” – Kelly Kapoor
63. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.” – Michael Scott
64. “I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.” – Angela Martin
65. “Abraham Lincoln once said that ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.” – Michael Scott
66. “When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.” – Pam Beesley
67. “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” – Kelly Kapoor
68. “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject so you know you are getting the best possible information.” – Michael Scott
69. “I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” – Pam Beesly
70. “Boy, have you done lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it!” – Stanley Hudson
71. “As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it.” – Michael Scott
72. “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” – Kelly Kapoor
73. “If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?” – Creed Bratton
74. “I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it.” – Deangelo Vickers
75. “The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.” – Michael Scott
76. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.” – Dwight Schrute
77. “I mean, I’m not a slut, but who knows.” – Kelly Kapoor
78. “Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through…[draws a question mark] delusion.” – Jim Halpert
79. “It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.” – Michael Scott
80. “The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.” – Oscar Martinez
81. “They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!?” – Michael Scott
82. “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” – Creed Bratton
83. “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.” – Michael Scott
84. “The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean, he looks like he just got off the boat.” – Angela Martin
85. “In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.” – Dwight Schrute
86. “Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website, which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.” – Oscar Martinez
87. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson
88. “Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips out your heart for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly, she’s not your ho no mo.” – Michael Scott
89. “I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for… that is the life.” – Stanley Hudson
90. “Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, which was just to wait. For a really long time that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife.” – Jim Halpert
91. “Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” – Michael Scott
92. “I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.” – Angela Martin
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