When it comes to dating and sex there are so many rules these days. When should you have sex? How many dates? Does the three-date rule apply? Do you stay the night or sneak out after they fall asleep? These are just some of the hundreds of questions that revolve around sex and dating. It is enough to make you want to stop dating. Almost.
The good news is we live in an age where sex and dating aren’t frowned upon. There was a time when sex before marriage was sacrilegious. Those who pursued the flesh were looked down upon by society. Thankfully it is 2022 and sex is less of a taboo topic. But while nobody bats an eyelid when it comes to sex, there is still a lot of confusion about when it is acceptable to have sex with the person you are dating.
Don’t rush into things because there is a chance of judgment. You also don’t want to wait too long as she might lose interest or when you finally do knock boots, it turns out you aren’t sexually compatible. Then there is the whole issue of what a date is. Does a walk in the park count as a date or is it something more formal like dinner and a movie?
Whenever it happens, sex is used to bond with another person and as a way to show them how we feel. Speaking with Women’s Health, Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in sexual health explained, “Sex is pleasurable and a way to feel connected to another human. Often when we have sex with someone we are dating it is an expression of emotions and physicality that suggests the closeness we feel is reciprocated.”
So sex is great, but when can we start doing it?
Is There a Perfect Time To Have Sex When Dating?
Despite advances in medicine and science, there is still no concrete thesis on when the ideal moment to have sex with a new partner is. The main problem when collecting data on this topic revolves around what people classify as a date. Is it only spending an evening one on one with someone or can it include an outing with a group of friends? Are dating and hanging out the same thing? Is a walk in the park the same as a few drinks at a bar?
As it is almost impossible to quantify what a date is, researchers are looking at the lengths of dates according to Men’s Health. A recent study by the Journal of Sex Research spoke to nearly 11,000 unmarried adults who were in relationships and asked them about sex and their relationships. Of those surveyed, 76% had been in relationships for more than one year and 93% had reported having had sex with their partners. Nothing too unusual here.
When asked about their first sexual encounter with their partner, over half of the participants (51%) waited a few weeks before getting down and dirty. 38% had sex on the first date or within the first week while the final 11% admitted to having sex before they even went on a first date.
This reveals that the majority of people are more inclined to date for a few weeks and get to know someone fairly well before getting between the sheets. The most surprising thing was the number of people who admitted to having sex before even going on a date. Most of these people probably had a one night stand that evolved into something more.
The researchers also asked the participants about their sexual satisfaction, with those who had sex on the first date or earlier claiming to be slightly less impressed with their sex life, although this was only a slight dip in satisfaction, as for the most part all those surveyed were found to be highly satisfied with their sex lives.
So what can you take away from this? Basically, if you wait a little longer to have sex you will be slightly more satisfied. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really help define the number of dates you should go on before having sex. It is more of a guide that states after two or three weeks is the best time to get laid.
Is Sex on the First Date Ok?
Of course it is. You do you player. There is nothing wrong with going home with someone on the first date. If the chemistry is there and you are both feeling it, go for your life. The one thing to think about before catching that Uber home together is whether you want to see them again. If you are digging their vibe and feel a connection could be made and something more come of your first date, maybe consider waiting.
“If partners are seeking a relationship, then sex on the first date may inhibit the development of an emotional connection and heighten the physical aspect of the relationship to a degree that may be too much too soon,” explained Lawrenz to Women’s Health.
This makes a lot of sense. It is much easier to build a deeper connection and understanding with someone over a few dates than have a one night stand and then try and make a connection happen. This is backed up by another study in the Journal of Sex Research, this time from 2014. It found that spending more time with someone and forming a bond before having sex resulted in a better long term relationship outcome. So the longer you hold off the better (within reason of course).
As with any healthy interaction or relationship, as long as you both feel comfortable having sex, it can happen whenever you like. If one of you is keener than the other, it is best to wait until you are both feeling the same. You don’t want to feel pressured into having sex or vice versa.
Does the Three Date Rule Still Apply?
The three date rule has been around for decades. While it gained popularity during the late 90s and early 00s thanks to being discussed in the hit series Sex in the City, it predates the HBO show and was first talked about in 1995 with the release of The Rules. This self-help book for women contains 35 simple rules to follow to secure a husband. While praised at the time, it is has retrospectively become somewhat of a joke these days. It essentially tells women to trick men into marriage. You can read more about it here.
It doesn’t really matter who came up with the rule. At the end of the day, it is an outdated idea that has no place in the modern dating world. As discussed throughout this article, when you have sex with your date doesn’t really matter as long as you are both on the same page. You might think waiting three dates will mean they won’t ghost you after sex, but there is no guarantee. Likewise, you might think waiting longer will intensify the sex. This could be way off the mark also. The sex could still be horrible no matter how long you wait.
As Lawrenz stated in her take with Womenb’s Health, “Any type of hard and fast rule, such as three dates and then sex, can inhibit authentic connection. To have a relationship based on trust and communication, you want to find a time to engage sexually that meets both partners’ needs and desires.” In short, fuck when you are ready to fuck.
So When Should You Have Sex?
The three date rule doesn’t really matter so when should you take the plunge? When you and your date are ready. All these dating rules and regulations can be ignored. Do what feels right. If you are unsure, talk with your date about things. That is the only way you are both going to know what each of you wants and if you are on the same page about things. It is also the only way a healthy relationship is going to work in the long run. Communicate people!
If you are still a little confused, below are a few tips on when it is time to jump into the sack with your date.
Make Sure You Are Ready
Only you know when you are ready to have sex. It doesn’t matter if this is the first date or the fifth. Listen to your instincts and go with the flow. Don’t think there is any pressure to make a move on your date. Things will evolve naturally and when you are both comfortable. If it is playing on your mind, chat with your date about sex and her expectations.
You might think this is a bit forward, but if you have been on several dates already and feel like you might be ready, let her know. Conversely, if it is the first date and she is coming on strong but you aren’t really feeling it, let her know you want to slow things down. Sex is great, but there is no point engaging in a tryst if not interested. Treat your date with the same respect you want to be treated with.
Define the Situation
Now you don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but talk about your situation and see where you are both at. The modern dating world isn’t just one on one dates anymore, with many people in open or polyamorous relationships. While most people who live this lifestyle will have let you know long before you have a date, there is always the chance they are keeping quiet about this. They could also just be single and up for a good time and dating multiple people while looking for a long term partner.
It is a good rule of thumb to talk about this before embarking on a sexual relationship. You don’t want to suddenly find out she is seeing other guys along with you. Worse if it turns out she has caught an STI from one of her other suitors. It is also on you to let her know your current position too. It works both ways.
Think About Your Previous Encounters
Do you often find yourself in bed with women after the first date? If so, do these relationships ever continue, or are they just one night stands? Make sure you know what you want and act accordingly. If you have a track record of one night stands that lead nowhere and are really into your date, maybe it is time to slow things down and not have sex. You might have found yourself in a pattern of one night stands and missed out on taking things further with some wonderful people.
What Happens Once You Have Sex?
This is just as important as deciding when to actually have sex. It doesn’t matter if you go all-in on after the first date or have waited until your fifth outing. Once you commit to having a roll in the hay you have to deal with the consequence of your actions after. You have to decide if it is a one-time thing or something you want to continue. This also goes for your date. There is just as much chance she only wants it to be a one night stand and you both go about your business. If this is the case, be sure to explain this in a text or phone call. Ghosting is a shitty thing to do so don’t do it.
If the sex is great and you are enjoying spending time with your date and vice versa, then keep on doing your thing. Continue to hang out and build an emotional and physical connection and see where it leads. Usually, by the two-month mark, you should have a feeling of whether what you are doing is leading towards a relationship or will fizzle out into nothing. Once again, this is all found out by communicating with each other. Be sure to keep her in the loop of your feelings and what you want and she will be sure to reciprocate. All you can be is honest and open and hope things work out for the best.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, when you have sex is entirely up to you and your date. Do whatever feels right during the moment. If you are both keen on a night of passion, go for it. If you would rather wait, that’s awesome too. Many people who have ended up in the sack on a first date have managed to build successful long term relationships. Likewise, those that wait have been able to do the same. There is no wrong or right answer to this one. As long as you are both on the same page about dating and sex, you can do it whenever you like. Good luck!
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